Feeling lonely feeling blue
by vanay
Summary: Rachel's in a bad place after the break up, she's in an oblivion she can't get out of. O/C. One shot - all in Rachel's POV. Warning:this has a dark theme.


Disclaimer: I do not own Glee, this is not beta'd so therefore all mistakes are my own.

Song by Goldfrapp – A&E

A/N: This is slightly dark and AU. I'm not sure what came over me:/. It's a bit dramatic I know….

Feeling lonely feeling blue

I see them in my mind, they are together laughing and joking, seeing them reminds me of the pain, its intense as if a knife stabbing me. The vision is so clear I could see it, the jealously rapidly burns through me. I hear the conversations, the emotions pour through me like wildfire. The soft whispers surround me and I can place myself back in the classroom and the atmosphere surrounds me – it's so real, it's almost as if I were back at the scene again.

I snap out of the haze, confused at my own thoughts. I know my mind is no longer my own and it's a sombre moment. I steady myself slowly upwards into a standing position and step towards the dressing table. I reach my destination and I stare at my mirror, the image reflecting back I barely recognise. I change my focus to see my surroundings, the comfort that's supposed to be my four walls are suffocating and no matter how much I attempt to stop my mind over analysing, over powering me I just cannot stop the manic thought process. I begin to realise no matter how I try to be the one for him, to grab hold of what was once mine, it will now remain unreciprocated. I glance once more time before deciding the time had come.

_It's a blue, bright blue Saturday, hey hey_

_And the pain's starting to slip away, hey hey_

_I'm in a backless dress on a pastel ward that's shining_

_Think I want you still_

_But there may be pills at work_

*Flashback*

"Rachel have you been eating? Your clothes look huge on you – and although a blessing in disguise as a shopping trip is well overdue, you look awfully ill."

I hear the words coming out of his mouth, and mentally prepare myself for acting out the next part. I must admit life isn't half as bleak with Kurt back at McKindley, I dare say life may have even become bearable. I talk myself through my fake speech in my mind a few times whilst Kurt looks at me with those worried eyes, before I get the confidence to respond.

"I've just been so busy with life I general, a diva has to be prepared to do what it takes. I guess I've gotten carried away. I appreciate your worrying – I really do but honestly I'm fine, really just fine".

This was a blatant lie, but with my brilliant acting skills I know I can pull it off. I decide to add my extra megawatt smile for effect, and secretly congratulated myself on an award winning speech.

I look back at those concerned eyes still digesting the words I had spoken.

"Listen Rachel, I know that things have been tough for you recently with you and, well you know who. I'm here for you though, and those hollow cheeks suggest you are 'not fine'! So please cut the crap and stop the bull." Kurt stopped in the middle of the corridor, gently touching my arm. "Tonight you, Mercedes and Blaine and I are going to the movies, and there is no way can you get out of it. Let us be your friend Rachel".

I'm about to protest when Mercedes approaches us and interrupts "Now what you got me doing tonight Kurt? How do you even know I haven't got plans?"

"Mercedes, I know you, would you ever let me down? After all a friend in need is a friend indeed right?"

He elbows Mercedes playfully with a wicked grin and decided to elbow me too. I wince at the contact, it probably was a friendly gesture on Kurt's part, but my body was extra sensitive since I decreased in size. I rub my side gently to ease the apparent swelling. It would probably bruise, not that it even mattered anyway. I look in their direction to see them raising their eyebrows and exchanging concerned glances. Once again I want to protest but I get denied the opportunity as they walk away and leave me behind. No matter how far ahead I want to be, I always end up being behind.

_Do you really wanna know how I was dancing on the floor?_

_I was trying to phone you as I'm crawling out the door_

_I'm amazed at you, the things you say and that you don't do_

_Why don't you ring?_

I'm in science now and try to focus on the lesson, but my concentration has disappeared in thin air. I try so hard to pay attention to the teacher but the words are soundless, whilst I attempt to pay less to the besotted couple who are a few spaces away but as much as I try I just can't. I realise that a few months ago I was one half of them; I was one half of him. I think these thoughts all the time, I visualise it all the time, but actually seeing them in front of me makes it real. I see the acts of lust, the playful arm movements and another piece of my breaks away. I hear the soft whispers that shatter the broken pieces to bits.

"So you up for a date tonight, my house of course – we could go out, but I think I'd rather we stayed in – we could finish what we started yesterday" Quinn 's flirty seductive tone quietly ushers the words.

Finn smirks and places his hand over hers and replies a swift "I'd love that' before entwining their fingers through. Quinn places her beautiful curls on his shoulder whilst I helplessly watch from behind.

I want to be in control, I want to be the Rachel Berry I was before I met him but I can't, I want to be strong and let this go, but I can't. I try to move on but I can't. I try and I just can't.

_I was feeling lonely, feeling blue_

_Feeling like I needed you_

_Like I'm walking up surrounded by me_

_A&E_

I've apparently ended up in Spanish and I have no recollection of how I even got here, my mind is still racing through what happened in Science. Tina sits next to me, an unusual thing for her to do but I haven't got the energy to question it. She looks across at me as if she wants to ask me something, but I prefer she didn't. I have no interest in making small talk, in fact I'm tired of it – I just want to be alone, so I can stop pretending everything is fine. She starts doing what I prefer she wouldn't do – talking.

"Rachel - Are you ok? You look pale, actually your starting to look translucent or something. Kurt's right – you look ill."

"Whilst I appreciate yours and Kurt's and everyone else's concern, I'm actually doing fine, just fine.

I feel a sense of déjà vu, having spoken the words to Kurt just hours earlier, but Tina's eyes continue to burn through me, I pray she would just let this go – I'm unbelievably tired of it already.

"How can you sit there and say your fine, you're not you anymore. It's not normal to act the way you do – you barely talk and that's something wrong in itself. I can see your bones poking through, so you may want to sit there and try to convince yourself you are ok, but I'm not buying it."

I turn to face Tina cursing Mr Schue's tardiness in my mind, before bluntly responding in a flat unemotional tone "I'm not trying to convince anyone."

Tina sat mouth opened and took a few moments before talking again.

"I know it's been difficult what with the whole Rachel/Finn, Rachel/Finn/Quinn love triangle."

I felt myself squirm at the words she was speaking.

"You need to vent Rachel – you need to get whatever it is out of your system, me and Mike both worrying about you. You are looking unhealthy and your acting unhealthy. Let us help you, we are friends after all."

Mr Shue walks through apologising for being late once again, I figure he's forgiven this time for saving me from this conversation I rather didn't happen and prefer to never finish. I turn away from Tina, and as I do I feel her eyes boring through me. I choose to sit there and ignore it, and get back to my crazy thoughts.

_It's a blue, bright blue, Saturday, hey, hey_

_And the pain has started to slip away, hey, hey_

_I'm in a backless dress in a pastel ward that is shining_

_Think I want you still but it may be the pills at work_

Somehow time has gone by at its lunchtime so I contemplate what to do – whether to go to the lunch room and get cross examined, or to spend time on my own alone. I opt for the latter and head towards my locker keeping my head bowed down trying to avoid eye contact. I just want to be free of these people. I get to my destination and get to work on escaping quietly and quickly, but as I slam the door I turn and see Kurt right next to me.

"So diva, this is what's going to happen, Mercedes, Blaine, Tina, Mike, Rachel and I are going to go eat lunch in the cafeteria and you know what the key words in this sentence is? Well I'll give you a clue – it's going to eat". Kurt smile sympathetically and interlinked our arms whilst dragging me down the hallway. I rolled my eyes and prayed a silent prayer to be able to make it through the next hour.

I was walking, or more appropriately being dragged into the lunchroom when I instantly spotted the most popular couple making out. I couldn't help staring at them – I could sense my body reacting, my eyes burning through and my stomach dropping, I could feel my mouth running dry. I remained there a few seconds longer then I intended on, but they remained blissfully unaware. Kurt continued to move me along guiding us to where we were sitting.

I smile a fake smile and sit down quietly next to Kurt, he whispers a 'you will be ok, even though I know you're not know' into my ear before giving me a peck on the cheek. I'm grateful to have him in my life; he's there when I need him and he won't question me endlessly. He's just there, and being there is all I need him to be. I smile softly and I actually mean the expression.

They all converse amongst themselves all excited about the upcoming event known as prom. I personally haven't given it a second thought; I stopped caring after we became an I. I never wanted to go alone either way so I zone out of the conversation. I pretend to eat my food, but opt to play with it instead; moving it around trying to fool them so that I not wanting to eat was going undetected. I can't bear to eat, I'm already nauseous so I hope they won't notice. I look up to find them all staring at me, but no one says a word. I already know what they are thinking and I just wish they would stop.

I glance around the room and spot them again in the corner of my eye – looking happy and tangled into one human form. I just glare whilst controlling my emotions and trying to remain unreadable. It still bothers me no matter how may time I face it today – much more than it should. I end up focusing so hard on them I barely hear the bell signally for us to go to the next class. I look at my surrounding to find I was alone, everyone had already left.

_How did I get to accident and emergency?_

_All I wanted was for you to take me out high?_

The rest of the afternoon went by painfully slow. I was completely alone but content in being so; this was one if those rare afternoons that I didn't share classes with any of the glee club. I was grateful to have this time on my own, no lying or pretending – being allowed to feel the way I do. I sat silently listening to the voices going through my mind, and I realise now that there's no point in trying to get my mind to concentrate, it was a lost cause, I was a lost cause.

I just stared mindlessly out of the window knowing that I had to skip glee today. Would anyone notice? They probably would now the most, when I wish they wouldn't. I didn't care too much for it either way, I was definitely not going – my heart just can't take and my body is exhausted, physically and mentally. I knew today was never going to be a good day, so I just waited patiently until the final bell rang and so that I could run back to my place of safety.

*End Flashback*

I shift uncomfortably in the bed I don't recognise, confused as to where I am. I haven't managed to open my eyes, the bright lights are shining through the dark of them – the lights are too bright. I attempt to open them slowly but it's a battle, and more painful than it should be. I panic feeling no control over my body, my senses are numb. I try to work out the unfamiliar surroundings, but I can't as my eyes are still refusing to open. I lay there scared, trying to work out my next move in my frazzled mind.

I hear the dreaded words 'overdose' and realise exactly where I am. I being to notice the noises I suspect are coming from monitors and doctors discussing medical terms I don't comprehend. I'm petrified when I hear the only voice I've wanted to hear for so long, address me.

"Rach" I knew that was Finn, I wanted to smile but remained still desperately trying to co-ordinate my thoughts enough to listen to him.

"You scared me so much. There's so many things I want to say, so many questions I want to ask-so many answers I need to hear. But right now I want you to know I'm here, and I'm so – so sorry. This is all my fault."

I could picture him running his fingers through his hair – maybe even a few tears with his head bowed down and it broke my heart. It was not his fault at all and I want to argue that., to let him know it's not, I was in a bad place – an oblivion I couldn't crawl out of. That dark place that led me here, Finn didn't do that to me – I did.

"I'm so glad that you're ok, actually I'll cut the bullshit – I'm absolutely relieved that you're ok. Life without you Rachel Berry is no life at all."

I started to feel the movement rolling through my body and could sense his hand gripping mind for dear life.

"I'm angry, sad and just everything but I need you to know I never stopped loving you, I don't think I can. I've tried and wished at times i didn't but it never changed the way I feel about you, even now. I can't promise you we can be 'us again' anytime soon. Quinn and I have unfinished business, but hang on in there and wait for me. Please do this for me Rach."

I began to react slowly by using every drop of energy to squeeze his hand to let him know I could hear him.

"I will, and I love you too" a small Croaky voice escaped out of me, and I could feel Finn's overwhelming reaction swift through me.

"O my – Rachel? Rach? Hang on – I'll go just hang on, I'll go get a doctor." Finn replied in a giddy manner, it sounded as if he was crying too.

I could feel his presence close at this point, his aura around me. I felt his lips touch my forehead tenderly and whispered "I love you so much, I'll be right back" before leaving the room.

If I could beam a genuine megawatt smile I would have done so right there. This was the first time I truly felt ok, better than ok – actually really good for the first time in months. The situation wasn't ideal, how I handed it was completely wrong, but I knew over time just being close to him again, this would be prefect. I was going to get back to being me, Rachel Berry.

_I was feeling lonely, feeling blue_

_Feeling like I needed you_

_Like I hoped you call and hoped you see me_

_A&E_


End file.
